Why I don’t wanna write for you anymore

All the crazy shit I did tonight
Those will be the best memories
I just wanna let it go for the night
That would be the best therapy for me.

Memories – David Guetta

Today is the day I found my way back to Pirategirl.
The day I decided, despite my fear, to relaunch.
And it’s also the day I have to tell you, that I don’t want to write for you anymore.

I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a completely different person then.

In August 2016 I launched Pirategirl, as my second blog ever, (my first was a semi successful blog about cosmetic and culture…yeah I know, it was kinda weird combination, but surprisingly there were still quite some people who wanted to read that stuff).

But even I did not expect, that I would have a lot of clicks on a exclusively German diving blog-
I got surprised.
Especially my open posts about salary, working times, sick days and holiday allowance for diving instructors all over the world gave me almost instantly a wide audience.

Additionally I had a loyal community of guests, that I knew from my work in different hotels, which followed all my activities on Pirategirl. 

But exactly that was, what finally caused the loss of all my motivation to create.
Because as time showed, people didn’t want to read what’s on my mind, but
they wanted me to show videos, pics and write blog posts about my dream job at the beach.

One life changing moment was a violent robbery at our house in the Caribbean – during which my flatmate almost got killed and I could just escape (and probably save her life) by running out into the street, screaming for help- in underwear only- because that was all I wore at that moment.

Honestly- that was tough shit. And I didn’t deal exactly well with it.

During the time after, when some of my „diving friends“ (aka former guests) texted me, I often mentioned that I’m not good. That I have to deal with anxiety and that I have difficulties to keep on doing what I do.
So. Do you wanna know what they answered me?

„Everywhere can something bad happen. But still, it’s a dream job, isn’t it?!“

No at this point it was definitely not.
I was living in a fucking dangerous bad area – in the middle of nowhere.
I had neither a valid visa, nor any health insurance.
I had not even the money for a ticket back to Europe. (btw thanks Mom for sponsoring my way back)

But more than that it was the point when I deleted about 600 of my Facebook „friends“.
Because I’m not here to give a performance about the life, that so many people never dared to live themselves.

Yes, I lived the dream of many people. I made my hobby to my profession.
I did what I wanted to do for many years. I traveled the world. And my office was between whale sharks and Manta rays.
But not everything was always great.
And as much the sunny sides of life have their right to be shown, I won’t be silent about the shadow sides.

That’s the reason why I decided not to write for you anymore.
If you expect to read about the German girl, that gave up everything to be a diving instructor, that doesn’t care about anything but the next dive, I will keep on disappointing you from now on.

Because it was fun – but it’s done.

After almost 8 years I needed a change. And here I am.
In Europe.
In a relationship. In a nice apartment. With a health insurance. And a retirement plan.
BAM. BOOOOORING!!!!!

So if you think I’m boring, because I’m doing exactly the same as you, then please leave and book your trip to the next holiday destination. Because they are still out there.
All the interesting people in tourism, which you can ask what they used to do „in their real life“.

Because I’m back in real life.

Okay but we both know what you actually want to ask…don’t we?

Don’t you miss diving?

Of course I miss diving. Every single day. I miss this easy life, getting up, wearing a bikini, looking into the sun, feeling the sand between my toes, descending and spending time with the fishes.

But if I miss teaching?

Not at all. I think I just taught too much.
Basically all my grown up life I used to teach someone something. First children and students German and History, then kids and adults diving.
For now, I really feel that I’m done with teaching. 

That’s why I will definitely keep on diving, it will always be a very important part of my life.
But not anymore as an instructor or as a guide.

Plus unfortunately from the instructor salary I would have never been able to afford the dives that I actually would like to do.
From that perspective it’s now more about saving money and traveling to Palau – for myself…as a guest.

And then it will be me, listening to the stories of the Divemaster.